Rich Beyond the Wealth of Kings

Queen’s Part I

Last night on the way home from a match in Eglish in Tyrone I got to talking with one of our players who is a first year student in Film Studies at Queen’s. She was telling me about her course which involves watching and discussing a range of films and also experiences with her first year philosophy course.

As we talked it reminded me of my own time in the English Department at Queen’s. We were taught by Professor Devlin, a traditionalist in the sense that he wore a black academic gown when delivering his lectures. These were in my memory inevitably well attended, well delivered and highly accomplished. Word would go about for example after he had given a lecture that it was particularly good.

In particular I remember him delivering enthralling set pieces on Dorothy Wordsworth, Thomas de Quincy and Mary Shelley’s Frankenstein. I had the privilege also of being in his tutorial group for a two-term course on Romantic and Victorian Literature. We would sit in his study in the English Department in University Square overlooking the main lawn at the front of the Lanyon Building.

Professor Devlin in my memory had fairly rudimentary expectations of what we, as students should be bringing to the table in terms of our reading and understanding what we had read. I recall his scathing horror when a classmate replied to the question of what he thought of Silas Marner “I thought it was a nice wee book.”

He received a withering glare and wasn’t let off the hook with such an anodyne and pathetic response. Another friend related to me how in response to a similar question about Keats La Belle Dame Sans Merci replied that she was a very scary lady or words to that effect. I could imagine his response having witnessed him in action. I slagged the guy afterwards about the Nice Wee Book reply and he was visibly embarrassed at having given such a watery answer.

On one other occasion I was out for the night and on the way home one of the fellas in our company tried to bend back the bough of a young sapling that had been planted along University square. The tree snapped close to its base. It was a wanton piece of drunken foolishness which typified a lot of the behaviour at the time. The modern Holylands is not much better or worse, the difference being it attracts more attention. However you dress it up, the tree was finished.

I thought no more of the vandalism until the next morning in Devlin’s class. He brought up the subject of the trees, those beautiful saplings he called them, I particularly remember his use of the word sapling. He was irate and pointed out at the vandalised trees, comparing them to the scene in Wordsworth’s ‘Nutting’ where the boy ponders on the beauty of the Hazelnut trees before wreaking devastation.

I felt a severe pang of guilt by association. Not that I had snapped the young tree bough myself but that I knew who did it. We had celebrated the night out as some sort of night’s craic but here was the hangover of the morning after. Wordsworth’s words a ‘j’accuse’ of their own, directed straight at me:

“Exulting, rich beyond the wealth of kings

I felt a sense of pain when I beheld

The silent trees and the intruding sky.”

These sorts of escapades typified our lives as students. At the time we had days and nights of drink fuelled adventure. Looking back more than ever I feel the sense of pain and stupidity of some of our collective exploits.

Dead Fish Go With The Flow

On Sunday I returned from Derry to discover that all the fish in our aquarium were dead. Floating. Belly up. Distended stomachs, some burst open. It looked painful.

A blue fighter fluttered its tail at the foot of the tank, clearly in distress. I rescued it into a saucepan of fresh water in the hope of saving it, but it shook out its brilliance one last time and died too.

A helpful child adding ‘pH Down’ to the tank for no other reason than thinking it would help the fish had killed the entire population. Our colony of Platys, the Neon Tetras there since day one. Harlequins; Mr Suckerfish and the rest. All belly up.

Angela looked out this morning. Mugsy the dysfunctional Tomcat is perched on the wooden guinea pig shelter viewing Titan and Ziggy interestedly. A snack, a feast or just a spectator sport. The other cat wouldn’t bother with them but Mugsy? I don’t know. Anyhow, he was chased and duly ran away, perhaps to come back another day.

Hannah Eastwood rescued a dog from a vets in Garvagh whilst on placement. Apparently the owners brought it in – a beautiful lively, black labrador pup –  because it had eaten the family hamster. And no, they weren’t worried that the dog may have bitten off more than it could chew and may be feeling a bit liverish with all that fur, toe nails and innards.

No, they wanted it put down, and Hannah rescued it.

As I said to Angela, if everyone applied that logic, our youthful fishkiller would have been humanely put to sleep also.

A Curse Upon All of Them, The Inbred Hoors

On Friday two young couples will get married.

One of these nuptials features a young man who was born into privilege, the son a mother of doubtful personal morality and a father who once professed a desire to be a feminine sanitary product. That says it all. It also says a lot about a general public that swoons and gushes frothily at the antics of these inbred cretins.

The uncle consistently tarnishes the good name of British industry abroad through his boorish activities.

The aunt has an ingrained reputation for ignorance and ill manners. The grandmother a pompous old dame, daughter of a stuttering father who ascended his position only due to the unacceptable marriage choice of his brother. Unacceptable? Yes, he wished to marry a divorcee who was also American and a commoner. In doing so he gave up his birthright. As for his grandfather? An accomplished deliverer of the faux pas and the mal mot. Denigrator of slitty eyes and foreign chaps.

The young man will marry a ‘commoner’ the patronising and archaic term held by the British Royalty for someone whose accident of birth renders them far from the world of shooting grouse in vast estates in Scotland; sipping cocktails in the exclusive gentlemen’s clubs of Pall Mall; having their choice of young fillies on or off track; and travelling in their own fleet of limos, trains, planes and boats etc ad infinitum, ad nauseum. . .

Wherever the groom travels people will fall over with their obsequies; his young wife at least has been spared the test applied to determine whether his mother was previously handled goods at the time of her betrothal to his jug-eared buffoon of a father.

What an ill-advised union that was. He wankering after an old flame that could easily have been mistaken for one of his Polo Ponies. She a Princess of Tarts, a bulimiac in the making, trophy shag of a series of upper class twits and army officers. A couple of hundred years ago they would have been executed for treason for dipping that particular wick.

The world will watch agog on Friday at this marriage of privilege and commonage. At the pomp and splendour. People will awe and gape at these sliver spoon mouthed morons flouncing this way and that. And more’s the pity. Peasants glued to the TV on a day off work to watch those who never have to work a day in their cosseted-pampered lives, buoyed up by the general public purse. The very commoners, outside a police security line, that they view with distaste down the crooked line of their inbred nose.

And somewhere else, born into the real world, perhaps bound by poverty and the shackles of a poor job and worse prospects. Two others will join in holy matrimony, commoners, common as muck, common as you and I. And they will embark on a different journey from the two pampered and feted up and down Britain. He born with a silver spoon, she a commoner.

It could be worse, at least she’s not a Catholic.

A curse upon them and a plague on all their bloody houses.

Today’s Playlist

Easy listening whilst I work…

Alive and Kicking, Simple Minds

Back Down South, Kings of Leon

Blackhawk,Emmylou Harris

Brothers In Arms (Live,Abbey Road), Mark Knopfler

Chasing Cars, Snow Patrol

Closer, Kings Of Leon

Comfortably Numb, Roger Waters & Van Morrison

Empire State of Mind (Part II), Alicia Keys

Everything Is Free, Gillian Welch

Father And Son, Ronan Keating & Yusuf Islam

Fine Horseman, Erica Smith

Fix You, Coldplay

A Good Heart, Feargal Sharkey

Hurt,  Johnny Cash

In Spite Of All The Damage, The Be Good Tanyas

Lucky Man, The Verve

Pocahontas (Live), Neil Young & Crazy Horse

Someone Like You , Adele

Son of a Preacher Man, Dusty Springfield

Somewhere Over the Rainbow / What a Wonderful World, Israel Kamakawiwo’ole

Strange Glue, Catatonia

Unchained Melody, U2

Waltz Across Texas Tonight, Emmylou Harris

Who’s Crying Now, Journey

Wish You Were Here, Pink Floyd

Hutch Cassidy and the Sundance Pig

The Shawshank Rodention - back behind bars where they belong.

And another thing. . . as if by magic, when I was driving the children to school this morning what should blow across the road in front of me, only one of the Coleraine Borough Council composting bins! FFS like! You couldn’t have scripted it.

So, not only did we not get one when they were handed out free last week, but those houses that did get them are in large part empty and the bins are blowing down the street.

I debated briefly the possiblity of stopping and firing the damn thing in the boot of the car , say no more. However a bit of Catholic guilt kicked in and I thought of the shame and embarrassment of getting caught and charged with stealing a compost bin. It’s not even like it would be for me.

Anyhow, I digress. Last night after I returned home from being guest at the rugby club with Méabh, I was confronted with the news from a tearful Leo that the guinea pigs were still outside. It was nearly ten o’clock. A whole vista of hystrical children loomed before me.

The story so far, Santa very kindly decided to bestow upon our house the little furry gifts that are guinea pigs. To be honest there’s something mildly amusing about the way they kinda dunt about the place. They also chirp at each other in guinea pig language. The one bit I understand is guinea pig for “look at that big bollocks trying to catch us” when they fix me with their beady eyes.

I rather scathingly derided my daughter for being out-thought by a guinea pig once when she couldn’t recapture them. It’s as if they heard the remark and have taken great delight in outfoxing (or out guinea-pigging) me ever since as I try and get them back to their hutch. The wee hoors.

Back to last night’s shenanigans. Leo was distraught because he had been unable to recapture the two animals after they escaped from their enclosure and having taken refuge under the garden shed they refused to come out. He was upset that Sorcha who was asleep would wake up in the morning and, upon finding out that Ziggy and Titan were at large, would be inconsolable. I was surprised at how upset he was. Usually it’s only that bad when he’s asked to do something about the house, or lift his unclean boxers.

My observation to himself and Cáit to man up a bit, that nature was red in tooth and claw and that it was unlikely we would ever see the darned animals again, went down like a hooker with traintracks. My worry was that Mugsy our tomcat or some other blood crazed animal would wipe them out with one swipe of his paw.

So, undaunted, out I headed once more into the dark. This time I spied them, there they were still under the shed, holed up like Butch Cassidy and the Sundance Kid, merrily scampering about eating grass as they do, and no doubt shitting prodgiously as they do also with great abandon. Vigour even.

Unable to coax them out from under the shed, the hunt was called off due to bad light as the rescue services might say. Next morning at the crack of dawn Angela got out there first and managed to catch Ziggy. He quite biddably walked over to her when he saw her. Titan is more of a recalcitrant rodent and an hour later he was still at large.

More to the point he had broken cover and left the safety of the shed and was on the loose. We had lost track of his whereabouts too which was worrying. I had heard reports of buzzards over at the University. Would one swoop and have Cuy for tea?

Eventually though, even Titan obviously longed for the green green grass at home, as we spied him  scurrying along and trying to break back into his wee stockade. Finally, the Cool Hand Luke of the rodent world was trapped with nowhere to go.

As he backed himself into a corner I grabbed him and within full earshot of my assistants Cáit and Leo held him up to my face and said venomously  “Titan, you wee bastard.” He looked at me with the beady eyes, his cow’s lick funnier than ever and replied in guinea pig “ha ha you big bollocks I won again.” Well I imagine that’s what he said.

The punishment for the two of them?  A couple of days in lock up in the house methinnks. I couldn’t be arsed with another episode of that.

And  as for the the compost bin? Thanks be to God we didn’t have one on this occasion for we’d have never got the two hoors out if they’d gone in there. Voluntarily that is.

Still, hopefully one day we’ll maybe get one, a bin that is. . . and so the work goes on, the cause endures, the hope still lives, and the dream shall never die. Just like the guinea pigs.

The Confederacy of Dunces

TESCO Self Service: Please place your boot in the bagging area.

Our house is coming down with new energy saving lighbulbs. They are a total waste of time unless you like murky, eye damaging half-light. In my daughters’ room I stumbled about for ages in the dark before Angela kindly advised me that to activate the stronger light option, you have to switch the switch on twice. Great.

I stand to be corrected but is this the result of more do-goodery coming from Brussels. I suppose if you have an army of politicians and eurocrats you need something to keep the hoors busy.

Next up TESCO. Every Little Helps.

Indeed it does especially if you are the genius that thought up TESCO self service. Let’s just explore this for a minute. I go to TESCO, I wander round their store doing my shopping, being conned by their clever two for the price of 1.8 or whatever the ratio works out and all the other deals. I buy loads of stuff I don’t really need especially if I make the cardinal mistake of shopping when hungry.

Finally I go to the till and rather than some employee do their job and check through my groceries, I do it myself while some jobsworth hovers to make sure I’m over 18 and that I can actually work the technology.

Absolute genius, avoiding the staff salary, whilst the customer does it all himself! Brilliant.

This set up is only bettered by the self service GO Filling station in Cookstown which is straight out of George Orwell. Not a human being in sight other than the other mystified fuel buyers filling their cars according to the instructions delivered by the pump. Again, a spark of genius.

And we’re all sheep for falling into this trap. Well let me tell you, I want my goods packed by someone. Not necessarily all the time, but sometimes when I just couldn’t be arsed scanning through and packing my own stuff.

I have an aversion to the self service model since one night a TESCO drone accused me of not paying for part of my groceries. The apparatus wasn’t working and one item had not scanned. This chap, who quickly saw the error of his ways after our brief but robust exchange, was lurking about being particularly unhelpful. Maybe he’s on a bonus to catch would-be grocery thieves like myself.

Had I wanted to thieve from TESCO I should point out I would have gone for the bottles of expensive champagne or a special offer flat screen TV. Not a loaf of bread and some cut price vegetables.

Finally… the local Borough Council have decided in their wisdom to distribute composting bins. But only to some people. At random. So loads of students are now the proud owners of compost bins whilst people like Angela who actually want one are not.

I don’t condone unlawful activity but… if anyone should like to donate one,

it will be going to a good home.

Weekend Roes

Various random things @ the weekend. Friday night taking U-8 coaching. What I would consider a failed session. Some of the lads were being difficult, I didn’t deal with them very well I thought. Went home very frustrated & annoyed with myself. Yes they were badly behaved including some that should know better, but at the end of the day it is my job to coach them.

I went back in to get Leo hurling & watched him take a breathtaking catch on the run. Highlight of my evening. The back garden matches are obviously paying off for him! This afternoon myself & Angela took the two boys on in a game of football. They won. Again.

Saturday morning up at 6.00am, wrote a piece about Eamon O’Shea. Then off to the beach with Hub. Hard to beat Portstewart strand at that time. No people, other than the odd jogger & a few other dog walkers. Hub befriended a couple other black labs & rolled in some foul smelling stuff. Manky or what.

Home, to chase Cáit & Leo off to early morning swimming. Then in to coaching myself. The ratio of coaches to boys was 3:1. Not many clubs can boast that @ U-8. I redeemed myself by taking one of my friends from last night. Much more rewarding, he seemed in better form & it was more enjoyable. Cracking match at the end. These are the days for it. Can’t wait to get outside.

Saturday afternoon A. gone to Derry. Me to follow after Cáit’s party – It was ‘Hot Barbara’s’ daughter’s party, as she was apparently known in her younger days. I called her it once & she reddened & didn’t seem entirely comfortable. Hmmm.

For weeks before we went to Croker I imagined a thousand times Méabh on the steps of the Hogan Stand. The image taken by Caroline Quinn captured it perfectly. Déjà vu. I bought the original from Caroline, & went & had the print framed, two copies. One of me, one for Méabh. I can see it on the wall here as I write this. I gave Méabh hers on Sunday, she was away shopping with Oisin the Cheshire cat on Saturday.

Saturday night out for a meal in Derry with my Uni friends Kierany & Ann Marie. Good craic. They never change. Liking life in Derry too.

Sunday a bit disoriented by the time change. Up the road home after Sorcha decided to wake up. Home in time to sleep for an hour. Delayed red wine fatigue. Off to Ballinderry where they gave us a guard of honour onto the pitch and proceeded to kick us apart, with the ball mind you. Physical stuff but what impressed was their ability to find one another with the ball.

Home etc. Weekend finished. Eventful. Tiring. Fun.

Tackling Drills

On 15 September @ a session up at Pairc Eoghain Rua, we ran a set of tackling channels using tackle bags. The players were told it wasn’t full contact, that the emphasis was on the runner breaking the tackle. Some chance.

After it Aileen ended up in casualty & there were a couple of other ‘injuries.’ The craic was good as evidenced by this exchange from Facebook. A number of the key culprits are revealed.

Eoghan Rua Camogie

Éilis did some wreckin with the tackle bags @ training-Aisling Carey never knew what hit her! September 16, 2010 at 12:53pm · Like ·

Adelle Archibald Aileen nearly slaughtered clare d, mauz and I on Sunday and then had the audacity to tell us to man up because she wasn’t even going full pelt .. September 16, 2010 at 12:58pm · Like

Eilis McNamee Aw look at me go, after gettin flattened by jane i had to start sticking up for myself! :PSeptember 16, 2010 at 4:35pm · Like

Jane Carey Ha Ha Ha Ha Ha Ha Ha Ha Ha Ha Ha Ha Ha Ha Ha Ha Ha Ha p.s ive a wile sore elbow thanks to double trouble kerr n mcNamee!!September 16, 2010 at 5:46pm · Like · 2 people

Lesley Reynolds Wots the chance of you all being fit to play next week? You’re a pack o’ eejits!September 16, 2010 at 9:49pm · Like

Eilis McNamee that will teach you to mess with me and megan again 😉 btw i have a very sore everywhere.September 16, 2010 at 10:08pm · Unlike · 2 people

Joe Passmore Aileen was in casualty too after her & Maybin had that trainwreck.September 16, 2010 at 10:48pm · Like

Jane Carey Hardy har har har, clonduff ill think they hit a brick wall wen they cum up against the mighty roes!!!!September 17, 2010 at 4:17pm · Like

Eoghan Rua Camogie Not jokin’ bout Aileen by the way!!September 17, 2010 at 4:28pm · Like

Kelly Maybin Eh and why am i only findin out about this now!! How did she end up in hosp when i was on the bottom of the trainwreck lol!!??

Scoring Goals is Easy, Imagining them is the Difficult Part

Eamon O'Shea - with eight days to go to Croker, he was just what the doctor ordered.

A while back I went to a coaching course organised by the hurling wing of Ulster GAA.

It was held at Dunloy’s excellent new indoor facility with a few of the sessions scheduled for outdoors.

The sessions were delivered by some of the usual suspects. Some very technical stuff on conditioning and matches by Micky McCullagh related physical prowess to the practicalities of hurling. Ronan McWilliams spent a good while explaining the intricacies of what we call the circle drill, which we have been using as a high intensity warm up for a season or more.

Then, Eamon O’ Shea took over. A few times in my coaching career a light has been switched on. Once when I went to listen to Johnny McIntosh talking about shooting; then the first time I actually listened to Paudie Butler. One night in Cookstown Gregory O’Kane unwittingly told me all I needed to know about keeping a session positive. A meeting with Paddy Tally led me to tear up what I did and start again. O’Shea had a similar effect.

Not a cone in sight. That immediately threw me; I like my cones to focus players’ spatial awareness – to mark like we used to with jumpers the areas in which I want them to operate. But Eamon’s opening line caught my attention immediately. “I see the pitch as one big space and I immediately think how am I going to use it.” This sounded good to me.

On physicality “Express yourself, some do it with this [held up the sliotar] some with this [jabbed someone with the hurl]. Don’t go looking for Jackie Tyrrell, if Jackie wants you he’ll know where to find you”

OK, you got me now Eamon. Next he had us imagining hitting the ball, an imaginary ball you see. Then, he had players actually hitting the ball. Have the youngsters imagine hitting the ball he said, don’t overcomplicate things. Yep, that’s a good one too.

Then he just set up a simple drill that replicated Lar Corbett’s goal in the All Ireland Final. Brilliant. Simple. To make it worse, he then he showed us Lar’s second goal. Both worked moves, made on the training paddock. By players that knew how each other thought and where they ran.

Outdoors the coup de resistance, he ran a series of running plays without the ball. The players still hurling mind you, just there was no sliotar. Twas brilliant, brilliant craic.

Just what I needed with a trip to Croke Park for the Final a week later. I had left our training that morning in a black, black mood to rush over. Severely pissed off with what I wrongly perceived as pre match negativity in some quarters. It was my own concerns and my own self-doubt that were troubling me in truth and I was feeling the pressure that day. Eamon O’Shea was just what the doctor ordered.

He lifted my spirits, opened my mind and gave me a raft of new ideas for training the following week. I just wished I had an extra week to reshape what Iwas doing a bit but whatever. The next day we were on our orientation trip to Croker to look around and soak it all up before the following week’s match.

I talked to the players about Lar Corbett, and O’Shea talking to the players about scoring goals. Putting themselves in that place. About them imagining scoring and celebrating.

And what happened in Croker the next week? Grace McMullan scored a hat-trick. And we won. Grace is well capable of that, cometh the hour, cometh the woman.She told me afterwards had mentally prepared herself for scoring goals. Well, if you can dream it you can do it as our Méabh says.

I emailed Eamon a bit randomly to sorta thank him, and his reply? “Scoring goals is the easy part, imagining them is more difficult.”

I had spent the weeks ahead of the game imagining Méabh lifting the Agnes O’Farrelly Cup on the steps of the Hogan. Listening to yer man helped that dream come true. Yep, if you can dream it, you can do it.

Postscript: Last night at training, I asked a group of under 8 hurlers to strike an imaginary ball. “We’re hitting this one over the bar to win the game I told them, can you do it?” Every one of them nailed it, myself in the middle like an eejit hurling my own imaginary ball over the bar, hitting the winner. Twas the best craic we had all night. And that, taught me another lesson.

Can’t Get You Outta My Head

I have long been preaching the importance of the written word. An interesting case in point has been the stir caused across Twitter and the Irish media establishment at a tweet from Sile Seoige last night.

Yes something she has written has changed the nation’s perception of her for good. Brand Seoige will never be the same.

After attending a Kylie Minogue concert in Dublin, Sile Tweeted to her few hundred followers:

“I may regret this tweet but I think I just came at the Kylie gig…seriously….that good.”

Subsequently she stated the Tweet was made with tongue firmly in cheek, (whether she was thinking of one of Kylie’s firm cheeks and her tongue we don’t know) but is certainly captured the imagination of the nation.

Suddenly Sile no longer comes across as the innocent looking presenter of safe daytime television. The vixen.

The frisson of excitement.

The hint of the erotic.

The absurdity of it all.

The fact that Sile is a curvaceous raven haired Irish beauty. The idea that she might be aroused by the on stage antics of Kylie. The fact that she probably,  definitely wasn’t.

If she had used the word orgasmic, it wouldn’t have had anything like the same effect. “I think I just came…”. Just think about it.

Just one simple Tweet. Changed utterly, a terrible beauty is horned. And as for Kylie, can’t get you outta my head.