The Confederacy of Dunces

TESCO Self Service: Please place your boot in the bagging area.

Our house is coming down with new energy saving lighbulbs. They are a total waste of time unless you like murky, eye damaging half-light. In my daughters’ room I stumbled about for ages in the dark before Angela kindly advised me that to activate the stronger light option, you have to switch the switch on twice. Great.

I stand to be corrected but is this the result of more do-goodery coming from Brussels. I suppose if you have an army of politicians and eurocrats you need something to keep the hoors busy.

Next up TESCO. Every Little Helps.

Indeed it does especially if you are the genius that thought up TESCO self service. Let’s just explore this for a minute. I go to TESCO, I wander round their store doing my shopping, being conned by their clever two for the price of 1.8 or whatever the ratio works out and all the other deals. I buy loads of stuff I don’t really need especially if I make the cardinal mistake of shopping when hungry.

Finally I go to the till and rather than some employee do their job and check through my groceries, I do it myself while some jobsworth hovers to make sure I’m over 18 and that I can actually work the technology.

Absolute genius, avoiding the staff salary, whilst the customer does it all himself! Brilliant.

This set up is only bettered by the self service GO Filling station in Cookstown which is straight out of George Orwell. Not a human being in sight other than the other mystified fuel buyers filling their cars according to the instructions delivered by the pump. Again, a spark of genius.

And we’re all sheep for falling into this trap. Well let me tell you, I want my goods packed by someone. Not necessarily all the time, but sometimes when I just couldn’t be arsed scanning through and packing my own stuff.

I have an aversion to the self service model since one night a TESCO drone accused me of not paying for part of my groceries. The apparatus wasn’t working and one item had not scanned. This chap, who quickly saw the error of his ways after our brief but robust exchange, was lurking about being particularly unhelpful. Maybe he’s on a bonus to catch would-be grocery thieves like myself.

Had I wanted to thieve from TESCO I should point out I would have gone for the bottles of expensive champagne or a special offer flat screen TV. Not a loaf of bread and some cut price vegetables.

Finally… the local Borough Council have decided in their wisdom to distribute composting bins. But only to some people. At random. So loads of students are now the proud owners of compost bins whilst people like Angela who actually want one are not.

I don’t condone unlawful activity but… if anyone should like to donate one,

it will be going to a good home.

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