Stan Collymore
Doesn’t see Ulrika
Anymore.
Instead
He speaks as gaeilge
And we love it,
Love it, love it
Just like when Queen
Liza midst our ladies
Uttered a cupla focal
Of stilted words. We nearly
Choked on our Carrigeen souffle.
Be advised famous Seamus said cross-
Table. Well what’ye think
Now Bellaghy boy, did you
Toast her?
Whose boys toasted
Your friends, women and countymen.
No flagon of yours raised?
And, so, Stan Collymore speaks Irish.
So do I. And it means fuck all
My cupla focal. Just like his.
Eureka.
Couldn’t bate her
With a big stick.